Toxic perfectionism in kids

Perfectionism can prevent children from taking risks but parents can help relieve the pressure, says Justin Coulson.

"We become more perfect through our failures," the Australian parenting expert tells Kathryn Ryan.

What is perfectionism?

Perfectionism is a combination of two things, Dr Coulson says – excessively high personal standards and overly critical self-evaluations.

“If I was to summarise it in a really simple sentence, it would be a perfectionist says ‘I must be the best, but I never am’.”

The trait can manifest in two ways – as both perfectionistic strivings and perfectionistic concerns.

“Somebody who has perfectionistic strivings is somebody who is really seeking high performance at the very, very greatest level.

“[Having] perfectionistic concerns mean that we become hyper-vigilant to mistakes, we doubt everything about our actions, and we become fearful of negative social evaluation. In other words, we feel like our identity is at risk if we do not measure up.”

While perfectionistic concerns are identity-oriented, Dr Coulson says, perfectionistic strivings correspond to our personal standards.

These can both be unhealthy.

"If I've got extremely heightened anxiety, feeling that I might fail, the likelihood is I probably won't try. And one of the big challenges we have with perfectionism, we see it all the time in students, anyone who's lectured at university and dealt with perfectionistic students or a high school teacher, even sometimes, looking after the little ones at primary school will see a really high avoidance orientation for any task in which a student is concerned that they might not do well.”

Most adults come to understand that failure is part of the learning process, he says.

“Whenever you try anything new, you're likely to fail, you're probably going to do quite poorly. It's true some people have a natural proclivity to some things every now and again, you might fluke it, as well.

"But usually, when you try to do something that's complex, difficult, hard, any kind of challenge like that will lead to failure."

Somebody with a perfectionistic bent will say to themselves ‘I'm going to fail, this is going to look bad, therefore I won't try’, Dr Coulson says.

“Now, obviously, that's a terrible place to be because [if you don't try] you never actually improve. And the great paradox is you can't be perfect if you haven't tried. But that's the mindset of the perfectionist.”

The three types of perfectionism

Self-oriented perfectionism

Perfectionism directed towards ourselves is harmful as it attributes value only to the outcome of an endeavour, Dr Coulson says.

“Where we have these unrealistic self-evaluations, we’re punitive towards ourselves. Researchers would call this an introjected form of motivation. 

"'Introjected' means I'm doing it because I must, because I have to prove from an ego point of view that I can do this.”

Socially prescribed perfectionism

This kind of perfectionism occurs when a person's social context is excessively demanding and they feel they must measure up.

“This is basically when I'm finding it difficult to meet other people's expectations of me, which is, without question, the most debilitating form of perfectionism – when we feel like other people expect us to be excessively good.”

Other-oriented perfectionism

Some of us impose unrealistic standards on the behaviour of other people, Dr Coulson says.

“Many of us parents would probably say that from time to time, we may have some other-oriented perfectionism towards our kids.

“There's something of a correlation between these. A lot of people who are self-oriented in their perfectionism also then project that perfectionism onto the world around them and the people in their environment. They say, ‘well I have high standards for myself, and I have very high standards for you, as well’”.

How to recognise perfectionistic traits in a child

They may seem sickened by even the possibility of making a mistake, he says.

“They will have these excessively high standards, they will be constantly striving, they will always be denigrating of their work, it will never be enough.”

Dr Coulson recommends watching out for avoidant behaviour, too.

“If our children are refusing to go to school, they're saying that they can't show up because there's an exam, if they're devastated, feeling like they are simply not good enough because they only got 94 percent on their essay."

To help a young person overcome such self-judgments, Dr Coulson suggests encouraging them to participate in a wide range of activities.

“The really smartest research highlights kids who have had a whole lot of range, exposure, failure, all kinds of different opportunities throughout – not just their childhood but even their adulthood – usually bloom late, somewhere in the late 30s, early 40s, maybe even their late 40s, early 50s.

“They bring all of their life experience all of that range and depth and breadth from so many different places to bear on the thing that they've finally found in their late 30s or their 40s. And they become vastly better at that.”

Secondly, he suggests parents shift their focus from expectation to what he calls “autonomy support”.

“Instead of saying 'here are my standards and I expect that you will satisfy my standards', we say to them, 'What's important to you? And how can I support you to do that?”

Repeatedly attempting things and experiencing failure builds resilience, Dr Coulson says.

“It’s by doing and doing and doing and failing and failing and failing that we learn to become better, we become more perfect through our failures.

“If we can help our children to understand that message, and get our own egos out of the way, our children will generally thrive.”

Dr Justin Coulson is the founder of happyfamilies.com.au, author of six books and co-host of the Australian TV show Parental Guidance.

Related:

How to connect with your teenage daughter
There's intense pressure on adolescent girls today – and unfortunately, it's easy for parents to inadvertently add to it, says Dr Justin Coulson.
 

The hazards of 'helicopter' parenting
Although overprotective parenting is coming from a good place it can interfere with a child's development, says psychologist Sarb Johal.

'There’s something quite inhuman about the struggle for limitless perfection'
Perfectionism is leading to disastrous mental health outcomes among younger generations.
 

The dangers of perfectionism in adolescents
Dr Madeleine Brocklesby studies how perfectionism can lead to anxiety for teenagers.