Learning to manage difficult feelings is the biggest job of childhood. says psychologist Angela North, and kids need a parent's help to do this.
Along with Dr Steven Mackenzie, Angela has written the new book Mindfulness At Play - a guide to help adults be in the moment with a child's emotional experience.
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The typical picture of mindfulness - perhaps sitting on a rock and staring out into space - is very different to the process of being actively mindful in response to a child, Angela says.
This kind of mindfulness is therapeutic when theyre feeling happy and playful but even more important when they're not.
The instinct of many parents to problem-solve or reprimand when a child is upset gets in the way of tuning into what the child is feeling, Angela says.
"We might think 'That was partly your fault' or, 'Gosh, I wish you were a bit more resilient'. So judgment creeps into our tone."
More beneficial for a child's emotional development is listening calmly to what they're saying, observing their body language and facial expression, and then attempting to reflect back to them what they are feeling - ie 'It sounds like that really upset you'.
this way of communicating - which Angela calls 'empathic reflection' - helps children learn to tune into and understand themselves and also calm down a lot quicker.
"What we're really doing is helping them learn to regulate their emotions. And as they get older, they'll get better at doing that for themselves."
Small children, who are still learning the words for emotions, especially need this parental attunement to help them build words for their emotions, she says.
"It's teaching them to look inwards, and to kind of trust their gut instinct about what they're feeling."
Validating a child's emotions in the moment isn't the same thing as approving their associated behaviour, Angela says, which can be talked over at a later point.
"They're already overwhelmed by big feelings - something's going on there. And my reaction, chances are, is going to probably tip them over the edge. So now we're kind of both having a meltdown. And, importantly, I don't really know yet why they're grumpy."
Empathic reflection "takes the wind out of the sails" of a child's anger so they can start to process the feelings inside - an essential part of emotional development.
"Learning to manage big feelings is the biggest task of childhood and it takes all of childhood to achieve that so we want to give that the time it deserves and then come back to the great wisdom that we might [want to share] later on."
Photo: supplied by Allen & Unwin
When an adult reflects back to a child what they're expressing in a way that is non-judgmental, they're role-modelling calmness rather than reactivity, Angela says.
"It tells them 'Yes, these are big feelings because you can hear that in my empathy, I'm recognising that these are big, overwhelming feelings for you but I'm not afraid of them."
Sometimes when kids are in a downward emotional spiral, parents automatically join in.
"Little children will hear that in our tone and hear our irritation and that we're beginning to feel overwhelmed. And it tells them something, it tells them 'Yeah, look, even mum and dad are overwhelmed by these feelings must be a bit scary.
"When parents learn to stay calm and practice their own mindfulness in these moments, they send children the nonverbal message 'I know this is hard for you right now. But I'm confident in your ability to handle this, and it will pass'.
This demonstration of calm is probably more powerful than anything a parent directly says to a child, Angela says, and will help determine whether their inner voice develops into an 'inner life coach' or an 'inner critic'.
'The more we practice empathic reflections with children, the more they can absorb that [calm] voice. And that becomes the voice in their head that says, 'You're okay, you've got this, it will pass, it doesn't feel comfortable, but it will pass.'
"The best thing for mental health for children is to be able to look at the struggles they're having and say 'Yep, I've got a way to go. And I'll access as many supports as I can, but I'm not going to buy into shame. I'm going to notice if I start thinking negatively about myself. And I'm going to reframe that."
therapeutic play sessions at home (for say half an hour once a week) can further help parents get to know their kids and support their emotional development, Angela says.
"We really get to sort of peel away the onion and discover all the ways they see the world or the weird and wonderful ways that they might see the world."
She did lots of therapeutic play with her own 2 kids when they were little. When they were older, they'd instead go for a walk or to a cafe together.
"I call it "therapy by stealth" because teenagers do not want you to be therapy. It's a way of having a conversation that really does get to the bottom of what they're feeling. Critically, for teenagers [it helped] that they'd experienced already so many times where I have listened and not judged … [So] I'm the person that they're going to come to when things go wrong.
" It's just a way of thinking about how we want to develop a relationship with our children, where they will come and tell us everything because there's a real safety factor in that. And of course, we have the wisdom that they don't have because we're older, and there's lots of things that we want to share with them but we can shut down those channels of communication. "
